nb, I have not been posting much of late. In part because when I read it back its all me me me, crap grammar and limited vocabularly. Anyway this one has been sitting in draft for a while. Its all a bit garbled but I hope somehow I manage to get across that this Art had a profound effect on me. Even writing this note to the post, gives me that same feeling, I think its in my heart. It fills it with a hope. I will never forget that day ever. I haven't been posting because my health is frankly shit and until it improves a little I just can't keep posting. I can't stand the fucking pain. Because in truth I can. I just think I can't.
The other day, feeling a little sorry for myself. I had intended to go to our local town to shop for some new pj's. (I spend a lot of time in them after all). I parked in the disabled bay. Sat in the car I wanted to cry. An attack of I am in so much pain, why did I think I could do this alone came over me. Along with the usual, for god's sake woman, get over yourself and just do it. So I slowly got out of the car, walked tortuously around the corner and realised I just could not cope. Town was busy and people kept banging into me, albeit not deliberately but nevertheless, with a braced leg and absolutely no balance available, once again I found myself knowing I should be in a wheelchair. Pain so severe in so many places, bearing in mind before I even got out of bed I had tried to avoid waking up because of the pain, I should really have known better than to venture out alone.
I sat on a bench feeling so very sorry for myself. My car around the corner would have been visible were there not a massive Marks and Spencer's delivery lorry in the way. It may as well have been on Mars. The same story rewound itself through my mind. You stupid woman, your self limiting behaviour is getting stupid. The story where the Peugeot 107 automatic, which is tiny, only a year or so old, a present from my parents, which I won't drive on motorways, dual carriageways, large roundabouts, my fucking driving phobia. No obligation to read about 'that' at all obviously, the post is long enough but here is the link if you have nothing better to do! the post where I talked (a bit) about driving, just skip the other stuff, its just stuff as ever )
Well the car is great, it does it job, its an automatic and gets me to where I will go. That's a positive, but I am informed by Wheelchair Assessment People that it is entirely unsuitable for a power wheelchair. So I have my lovely little car, then when I get to where I want to go. I can't fucking walk. When OH is with me, braces on, I hang onto him and we slowly make our way. He is my stability. Without all the boring details, alone I just cannot do it. I can't open doors, if a stranger accidentally so much as walks in my path, I lose my ability to stand up and just fall over, without someone there to help me up there I stay. . I can't afford to change the car.So by now I guess you get the picture, me sitting on a bench, with a troubled worried mind, in pain, feeling oh so very sorry for myself.
For a moment, my eye was drawn to a small billboard with an arrow, pointing to a narrow alley a short distance at the end an Art Gallery. I had not been to this gallery for many years. Its free. Deciding to take on board pain management strategies by way of distraction. Slowly, I made my way down the short alley, conveniently narrow enough to be of benefit to a bendie like me. As I could lean on either side of a wall depending on which way I wobbled.
A kind Chinese man, explained to me, in a quiet calming voice, that each picture came with a story. (I can't remember if there were 47 less or more, but there were a lot). I sat on a chair in front of each picture my own angst forgotten whilst I read the individual story linked to each picture. The pictures were harrowing, some gory, including torture, each however had an image(s) within the scenes which I just cannot describe, beautiful signs of hope. Truth, Compassion, Tolerance, included in each.
It took me over an hour to work my way round the gallery room. Stunned, shocked, overwhelmed, emotional, learning of oppression, torture. But out of all of this, the resounding theme was of hope.
I learnt so much. Please go to the link below and look for yourself. I have linked to the story behind the art. As it explains it all so much better than I ever could. After that please click on the home button to view a slide of the art itself.
Apart from the Human Rights Art, I found myself humbled. An hour before I had been lost within my own troubles, focusing only on 'my' pain. Climbing into a pit of self pity. But I am lucky, had I not sat on that bench, had I not been in so much pain. I would have rushed along with the crowd, rushed, hurried, no time to notice the invitation to view the art. I must therefore be lucky that I can't rush.
Human Rights Art
10 comments:
I would very much like to see that exhibition.
Hi Achelois,
Thanks for sharing this post.
Love,
Herrad
Welcome Herrad.
Veronica, I think you would too. The few pictures that are available on the linked website on the Home page of that site do not show the entire pictures of the few that are there. I am not sure I could have one on my wall which is selfish but they were so very real and some really disturbing but there were a couple of examples of more ancient Chinese Art which were simply beautiful. There were no prices attached to any of the artwork and I am not even sure they were for sale. But I was so overwhelmed I wished that the exhibition had not been there for such a short time as I would have gone again and again.
I wish I could see. Odd you mentioned China, my son is trying to figure out where to "visit" next summer. I have a long list of countries *I* have banned him from (LOL) due to volcanoes, political unrest, and so on. He asked me about China and/or Russia. =p
Like you I tend to stay in my pajamas. Today they are cookie monster pajamas if anyone cares. And as far as grammar goes I didn't know there were internet grammar police. I love what you have to say and am always thrilled when you post.
I am frustrated about your car/powerchair situation. Is there a way to store a chair with someone in town, say a friend or a friendly retail establishment? So when you arrive you can hop aboard? Or are there any retail establishments there that have scooters already available (we have them) and you could sneak out for a "stroll" LOL....if it's not too far? Trying to think of ideas.
Are there any local services that could perhaps give you assistance here?
It looks like a very strong emotional exhibition. I'm glad that you found it and were able to spend some time there.
Sherry, thank you for your virtual kick up the backside. There are of course some solutions. There is a thingy (my brain is mushy and I can't think of words) where one can go and hire a power scooter two times a week. I should try it out. All of them look sooooooo big but I should ask you are right and see if they have a smaller one. I keep posting about the whole, wheelchair thing and get nowhere. I am in a turmoil over the whole thing I guess but I cannot continue like this. A lot of it is my husbands resistance to it all..... but I need to stop self limiting behaviours. Thank you.
Rebecca, welcome and you are right it was emotional. I have the litte truth, compassion, tolerance lotus flower now in my handbag to remind me that others have it a whole lot worse than me.
Its Touring so internet people, it may already be in a Town near you!
It does sound like a wonderful exhibition. I find that an art gallery visit or really anything that touches the creative part of me makes me feel immeasurably better. I might still be in pain but I can cope better when my soul has been nourished. Of course anything that gives me a bit of perspective about my health worries helps too.
I totally understand how hard it is to balance the self limiting behaviours with the actually really limiting pain. It's true you need to be mindful and the pain people have some great insights but I always like to remember that it's all very easy to spout theories and psychological phenomena when you don't have to live it every single day. I know that for the most part I do what I can manage and I always push myself. I bet you do too.
Have you ever noticed that you hear from them both "you're doing too much, you need to rest more" and "you're resting too much, you need to keep active and keep muscle tone". That balancing act is a very delicate thing. I think you're pretty awesome for getting out in the car and giving it a go. I can't remember the last time I went somewhere without a backup person. Actually, my drivers license has been expired for months and I am only just about to renew it! Don't forget to give yourself some praise for the successes and just the effort and please don't forget that writing a blog post seems to give back more than it takes out. I need to remember that too!
I agree with callapipper "that writing a blog post seems to give back more than it takes out."
You really give people a lot to think about and people respond accordingly. =)
I was touched by your post but have been remiss about commenting. However, after reading callapipper's response, I'm glad I waited so I can say ditto to paragraph #2 and #3.
The phrase "self-limiting behaviors" is bandied about a fair amount in your posts. I can't help but imagine (a dangerous thing to do but nonetheless...) a therapist or other practitioner's voice echoing through you. Yet you have some clearly unmet assistance needs that drive self-protective behavior which can be healthy and positive thing.
Daily I feel like I balance two complimentary yet competing goals: not overdoing / conserving energy; and minimizing both mental and physical deconditioning. The practitioners may have some good points for helping us in our awareness about this although they tend to lean towards one camp or the other rather than understanding the highly sophisticated blending which needs to occur.
The final call on which goal needs to be focused on more at the moment is up to us. I remind myself that others' perception of me is not the truth.
I too am struggling with the what the heck would I do with a power scooter/chair. Although I'm fortunate that in the states the big stores almost all have scooters. And, I get by decently for short periods with a cane. I hope you can work out some solutions.
Take good care and take it easy on yourself.
Donna
You did have a tough day, sorry that your legs were hurting so bad...ps. about The pic that you saw on my blog, yes I have backwards knees. Double jointed with knobby knees and a few of my fingers. It has not caused any pain? I have not heard of your disease? that I know of. Thanks for telling me about it.
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