Displacement Activity

Oh here goes.

I have been unable to post partly due to illness and also it seems I am suffering from a severe case of blog writers block!

Some things I have wanted to write I don't feel I should because they are to do with extended family members and although they will probably never read this blog anyway - its not fair that I should air my grievances publicly.  Or should I say I would like to but morally feel its not a good move. So if I say - I have cried in sheer frustration, feel misunderstood and ill treated as a human being perhaps that will suffice.  In reality I would like to vent my spleen and tell all as I feel my fellow bloggers would understand why I feel so aggrieved.  But some things are better left unsaid I guess?

On life - one reason I haven't blogged is because I literally haven't had very much to say.  Yes because I have been 'proper' poorly (aside from the usual EDS) and therefore have not been able to participate in the world for three weeks.  Hopefully when my new car eventually arrives I will venture out but it still doesn't address the fact that I don't feel I do enough in my life anyhow.

I don't just have writers block, I have knitting block and it seems life block.  Having EDS it seems to me minimilises my world.  As BG blah@benefitscroungingscum  mentioned recently in her blog - I also don't seem to achieve much of a day.  I talk a lot to my kids and as they are teenagers that is good I guess.  But I don't really socialise apart from the two good friends who always come and see me.

As a couple my other half and I seem to have got into the habit of not socialising at all, for years we have been happy just with each others company but I do wonder if this is healthy.  Many of our friends from years ago seem not to have the lifestyle we agree with anymore (how boring) and yet a bit of me fears I may possibly suffer with a minor form of social phobia.  Is it ok that I really don't mind enough that we don't socialise or that my life is not full of hobbies or activies.  I am not sure.

So by way of displacement activity instead of blogging I have been adding more blogs to my reader and therefore on those that I comment have been commenting on those. In saying that I should update my blogroll but can't quite remember how. I hope I am not perceived as some kind of cyber stalker which truly I am not. I also stumble across bloggers commenting on these blogs whose blogs I also read (if that makes sense but in a way its reassuring).

There are a couple of people whose blogs I read that are very very down right now and it makes me wish I lived in numerous countries where I could be a proper friend who could provide practical help and TLC.  You see at the present time if it weren't for my blogging world I think I would rarely speak to anyone outside of my immediate family.

I am not sure that this is a post of any note but it has broken the silence.

So if you are reading this I would like to say -  I probably read your blog and would like to thank everyone whose blogs I read for helping me out.  Sharing a little of your world helps me.  So please keep blogging.  Oh and if I do something vaguely interesting I will definitely post it here for who else would I have to tell!!  Spelling mistakes 'n all as my spell check has disappeared.

sick

Thats me - I have pleurisy, drowning. 

Today I have read The Curious Incident Of The Dog in the Night-Time (Mara Haddon). An extraordinary read.  Apart from being an exceptional read I particularly liked the font chosen for print. 

Because I have been in bed all day I have been able to read, which is something I normally find painful because my rubbish hands can no longer hold a book.  I absolutely abhor book holders they are designed for those who sit at tables and are definately not designed for the hypermobile who find it hard to sit in one position for any length of time.  Today I was suitably sick that bed was where I needed to be and therefore books were able to be propped up with pillows.

So if i am not about for a few days I will be concentrating on feeling better, much better than I feel right now!

One of those Sunday Night posts......

We had a power cut last night.  Three hours later the power returned.   I enjoyed the peace.
(edited to add - appalling laid out post - something went a little wrong tonight - note to self, try harder next time)

My hand which I broke a year ago is absolutely driving me mad.  My occupational therapist tells me I should see the rheumatologist to find out why it is hurting sooooooooo much.  This referral will take ages.  To me it just feel all broken again. I can't knit either, not just the normal type of can't knit which happily translates into I am diabolical at knitting, I can't hold the needles etc.

I think it would be cheaper for the NHS to get it x-rayed.  Bearing in mind I put up with physical pain this is on the pissing me off and keeping me awake and can't use type of pain.  Have to type with thumb on right hand.  On the bright side of life it has taken my thoughts away from my knee which at present I cannot weight bear on.

It doesn't always work by the way making sure one's teenager has a mobile phone.  In order to keep in contact they actually have to answer it!  Enough said.

I am at that time of year when I start putting my mind to Christmas. (BG if you are reading this please don't freak out & shout at me) This involves worrying about affording it.  I like the tree part and decoration of, something I have to watch the family do nowadays but being the control freak I am, I am very particular about where they go.  Some are treasured and the kids nearly grown up offspring groan when they open carefully wrapped decorations they made in infant school which absolutely must be hung in 'just' the right place. 

Years ago when I got out more, I would fill the house with living decorations, greenery, some sprayed gold, with real berries & old man's beard - the real thing.  This was collected on chilly walks with children in mittens & woolly hats helping. Stamping cold toes on frosty grass glistening with sharp December sunshine & stopping for hot chocolate breaks from steaming flasks.  We would jam interesting 'sticks' into bin liners, which would always rip because of the holly.  They would then dip in glue & stick white crumpled tiny paper balls on to resemble snow... this greenery was then hung around pictures, wrapped around bannisters & we would have a proper 'Victorian' stylee Christmas.

My guess is that my penchant now for glitz & fizz is a way of cheering me up for loss of mobility once had, so by way of overcompensation I have gone over to the other side - I care not one iota, better than getting all morose about that which I used to be able to do.   Obviously I do care quite a lot actually but I don't let anyone here know that I miss all that, I am a country girl afterall.  So when the day draws nearer do not be surprised if I get all nostalgic, of Christmass' Past. 

I think its the fact that I would love to be the generous..(I am back to present giving now) aunt.. godmother.... daughter.... wife.... etc. but money dictates a budget.  So I spend a good deal of time trying to think of appropriate presents.  I like to think I am thoughtful but do you know what I would absolutely prefer to be is ridiculously generous.  I know, I know the origins of it all, but its cruel I think to deny some sparkle & fun & the older I get I am unashamed of this fact.


So for this week at least I will be ignoring that nagging in my mind. Afterall as I have been doing this for years, Christmas will come & go and no amount of me trying to organise it early will make one iota of difference.  Because in reality I am better at last minute shopping relying on instinct & time constraints than planning and buying a few presents a month.  I wish I could be like that but I can't.  So for now, that mild Christmas angst is pushed aside but it will linger occassionally in my mind to remind me again that I should be more boring organised. Anyway its not cold enough for socks yet so I have absolutely nothing to worry about.


To add, I am an old meanie absolutely brilliant at recycling & other half will groan when I ask him to get the Xmas Box down from the loft with beautiful bags and paper which have been doing the rounds in our family for years. No one in our family is ever surprised when they receive their present in a bag which they have seen for years previously.  I have favourites which special people get, in fact I think I care a lot about the presentation of a present.  I add each year to this hoarde and start to panic if a well meaning relative starts to collect the mess of the wrapping paper etc. 

Fortunately my mother understands my obsession well as we share it, she silently does the collecting before I start hyperventilating & we share the procedes equally.  I do add each year, this year some will have the addition of tiny silver reindeer bells & beautiful little felt bags with chequered red & white reindeers on (re-cycled by the way) from my sisters beautiful table setting last year where each guest had a mini present beside their table setting. Inside these mini bags, which will be inside the other bags, I have yet to decide what to include but they are beautiful.  Now some may think this is cheesy - I don't care.  I used to worry a lot about what people thought but these days if its not harming anyone I just don't anymore.

I wish I had a talent like kim at frogpondsrock then I could make personalised ceramics; the most beautiful pottery pieces to give.  Kim I wish you had an internet shop but am sure your beautiful work would come under the expensive label & am not sure how practical it would be to get them shipped from Tasmania to the UK!

There is more a lot more but if I wrote all that I think my labels would include possibly mad with EDS!  So I stick to the safe thoughts & ramblings of the mind of someone with an invisible illness who should probably get out more......

Prattled on about nothing again tonight.  Its a Sunday thing I think.

(edited to add sorry for long paragraphs - too tired now to edit)