*edit - i read through this post and am aware I have not enough o's on some of my too's, my grammar is crap and there is whole that should read hole. Plus the rest but if I look anymore bearing in mind I can't find them again I will lose my bottle and not hit publish so apologies to those who are irritated by poorly written, misspelled, grammatically incorrect glogs you are probably in the wrong place.
NB - Please do not mention my dog.
I am writing another post so quickly after the last in the hope that my blog has not become 'a heart sink patient'. You know the type, GP looks at patient list for the day and sighs heavily. Oh God. Its her again, the moaner.
I must be honest its hard sometimes not to just sit here and say -
My Life is crap because ................
Its not actually total crap but it would be incredibly easy for my blog to become a forum for all my woes. Well not all of them because there are actually more than I write which is why I am not writing very many at the moment. I could tell the truth couldn't I and be brave but that means I may as well hit the private button get it all out and make it a personal diary. Believe me I often think about it. Then I could read it back when I am very old and laugh at myself. The thing about blogging is I have realised, in part because it is in the public domain, I often feel obliged to say I am fine and this witty something another happened today or provide an informed post about EDS and then write some witty little thing about my family. Throw in a few politically correct disability related snippets and consider the job done.
Well mine isn't that much in the public domain because I haven't made all the settings so that it comes up in google searches. I mean the fame would probably just go to my head. I would probably have to work out how to use another email address and all that jazz. Most visitors seem to have stopped by because I have commented on their blog. I don't mind at all about visitor stats etc. because I don't have the gadget that does that. I can't log ip addresses because I don't appear to have that facility, so if I ever get spam then I'll have to just be darned rude and hope they go away. I sort of have blog envy when people mention spammers as it seems to me whilst unpleasant it means one's blog is popular and therefore successful. My dashboard thingy suggests I check for spam occasionally in its spam catcher but it is always empty.
Kim over at frogpondsrock (see blog roll) has been having a little worm being an irritating and thoughtless commenter and I like it that decent bloggers rush to the aid of someone who is having problems with them. Its a reminder that the majority of the blogging world is full of decent people.
Anyway back on topic - others like Rusty Hoe please see this
bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com - Where am I going... write brilliantly about disabling conditions. I open my blog go to new post and immediately my vocabulary shrinks, my wit leaves the building and I seem to write in far too plain English. So I ask myself why? other people's worlds have shrunk through illness and disability but they retain the ability to write well. I tried telling myself this afternoon it is because I don't get out enough, I am not intellectually stimulated. I am bored which probably equates to boring.
If truth were to be told, I could reveal all and let it all out but that would be cruel? So here is a disclaimer I am about to be brave and hint at a few home truths. When I hinted at my mid-life crisis I gave a synopsis. I didn't say, I think my husband has had enough. Which is what I am thinking. He is loyal and all that and not a wanderer but I sense despite the fact I big him up here for his unquestioned support. In truth there is something missing these days. Or is that normal when one has been married for 21 years. I am a Leo and although I don't hold much stock in all that, I do use it as an excuse for certain of my behaviours. I am prone to blurting out what is on my mind of late to see if I get a reaction.
ie:- God it must be boring married to me. Wouldn't you prefer a younger model. Shall we do something exciting this weekend or shall I just sleep all day, so that you can read the paper and drink lager without interruption. The stuff that is wrong in our marriage could probably be changed by a shift of priorities on both parts. I think he feels resentful that he works so hard and comes home to a very untidy house to a boring, cripple of a wife who has a tendency to talk crap all evening. He answers mmmm a lot in response plenty of late and last night I tried an experiment. I gave up making conversation, go on guess, OK you probably have already - absolutely no conversation whatsoever.
Sometimes without meaning too I am hypersensitive to criticism (a failing of mine) and I overreact to mild stuff. This leads to an argument, when one has been married for as long as us, even rows can become predictable. Generally over the same things.
Just so you get it. I am not moaning yet by the way I am revealing just a little bit more of myself than normal because not doing so means my blog is becoming very plain. So I am not looking for sympathy just being a little brave on the this is my world thing.
There are lots of articles in magazines (if you are a regular reader you will know I get given them, I come from an era or from parents who would make me feel so guilty if I bought a magazine or frittered any money that because we are not loaded I just can't waste my money on them). anyway lots of articles with zany titles - how to get the pzasss back in your marriage, 10 things you need to know about how to keep a marriage alive...
I like to think I am intelligent and articulate in an argument. I try hard not to just slate the other party for the sake of it. My OH on the other hand goes for the jugular - as soon as he feels he's not being agreed with and there is the slightest hint of a raised voice, he tells me I am stupid, (now I know I am not but it never fails to hurt my feelings) he can just be plain nasty. We argue less these days, about ten years ago we went through a bad patch and we did the whole lets split up thing which lasted about a week and since then arguing happens when I deign to disagree. You see my husband you know the other half that mostly in this blog I refer to as, he that is supportive and perfect isn't really. Who is. Its just I have felt that by saying he isn't is airing my dirty laundry in public. Well to be frank it is isn't it?
What has made me change my mind. Its been bubbling away for a while now. When I say on this blog I think I am becoming boring, I don't say why. When I hint at my mid life crisis, I don't say why. Now suggesting marriage counselling wouldn't work. He is the type of bloke that would move out throw it all away rather than do that. In his mind, marriage counselling is for those to chicken to divorce. The truth is we have fallen into the trap of been married so long we take each other for granted. We rarely socialise. He reads the paper whilst drinking a Stella (s) every evening and at weekends we have to be home by early afternoon for this ritual to carry on. A lot of the time I don't mind. Having EDS means I get tired a lot so having an excuse to do bugger all means I don't have to say - I'm sorry I can't do such an such because of this stupid condition and I'll sleep, watch TV, pretend to knit and currently pretend to teach myself to crotchet.
However, because I am middle aged now my life has become so predictable I feel I could scream and scream and scream and scream. I see 'us' disappearing into a black whole from which I am not sure we can recover. In my daydreams I dream about popping out one day and not coming back for six weeks or so to see if he would miss me. Announce that I need to go find myself (except I have no money) and him understanding.
I know I have a habit of blaming him when the chips are down and I hate myself for this. Expecting someone else to be responsible for your personal happiness is childish. So I think to myself, right what I need to do is make my life more interesting. Perhaps an evening class or day? Then I talk myself out of that. My condition makes making plans quite hard. From previous experience, setting oneself up for a fall is not a good thing for self esteem. This probably sounds like a whole load of feeble excuses but its actually true.
My mother rings with handy hints - oooh I saw this group where everyone talks about literary stuff and such and bla bla - she only wants to help. By way of explanation, my mother was a Headteacher, she held down a full time job, went to at least two evening classes a week, was a supportive wife and mother, did her MA? in comparative education aged 45 travelling to Russia etc, she entertained and gardened and had/has so much f'ing energy it used to wear me out just watching her. Still does in fact. Oh how I wish I hadn't let her know as I said here the other day I was feeling a little low.
So by way of climbing out of my comfort zone, I have no doubt opened a can of worms. But as is always pointed out to me by bloggy friends, there is no obligation to read. You never know, I may soon become like the lovely nechtan who is also in my blog roll who has an amazing talent for spilling out the contents of his intelligent mind with an honesty that I can only admire.
Me I'm still me sitting here blogging only really being brave enough to hint at my life. Good job too as there is a whole lot more going on than even I know in my head. You see to open it up and really go there may bring up answers I don't like. So instead for the moment the next few posts are probably going to be mundane. Just how I like it?
