*edit - i read through this post and am aware I have not enough o's on some of my too's, my grammar is crap and there is whole that should read hole. Plus the rest but if I look anymore bearing in mind I can't find them again I will lose my bottle and not hit publish so apologies to those who are irritated by poorly written, misspelled, grammatically incorrect glogs you are probably in the wrong place.
NB - Please do not mention my dog.
I am writing another post so quickly after the last in the hope that my blog has not become 'a heart sink patient'. You know the type, GP looks at patient list for the day and sighs heavily. Oh God. Its her again, the moaner.
I must be honest its hard sometimes not to just sit here and say -
My Life is crap because ................
Its not actually total crap but it would be incredibly easy for my blog to become a forum for all my woes. Well not all of them because there are actually more than I write which is why I am not writing very many at the moment. I could tell the truth couldn't I and be brave but that means I may as well hit the private button get it all out and make it a personal diary. Believe me I often think about it. Then I could read it back when I am very old and laugh at myself. The thing about blogging is I have realised, in part because it is in the public domain, I often feel obliged to say I am fine and this witty something another happened today or provide an informed post about EDS and then write some witty little thing about my family. Throw in a few politically correct disability related snippets and consider the job done.
Well mine isn't that much in the public domain because I haven't made all the settings so that it comes up in google searches. I mean the fame would probably just go to my head. I would probably have to work out how to use another email address and all that jazz. Most visitors seem to have stopped by because I have commented on their blog. I don't mind at all about visitor stats etc. because I don't have the gadget that does that. I can't log ip addresses because I don't appear to have that facility, so if I ever get spam then I'll have to just be darned rude and hope they go away. I sort of have blog envy when people mention spammers as it seems to me whilst unpleasant it means one's blog is popular and therefore successful. My dashboard thingy suggests I check for spam occasionally in its spam catcher but it is always empty.
Kim over at frogpondsrock (see blog roll) has been having a little worm being an irritating and thoughtless commenter and I like it that decent bloggers rush to the aid of someone who is having problems with them. Its a reminder that the majority of the blogging world is full of decent people.
Anyway back on topic - others like Rusty Hoe please see this bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com - Where am I going... write brilliantly about disabling conditions. I open my blog go to new post and immediately my vocabulary shrinks, my wit leaves the building and I seem to write in far too plain English. So I ask myself why? other people's worlds have shrunk through illness and disability but they retain the ability to write well. I tried telling myself this afternoon it is because I don't get out enough, I am not intellectually stimulated. I am bored which probably equates to boring.
If truth were to be told, I could reveal all and let it all out but that would be cruel? So here is a disclaimer I am about to be brave and hint at a few home truths. When I hinted at my mid-life crisis I gave a synopsis. I didn't say, I think my husband has had enough. Which is what I am thinking. He is loyal and all that and not a wanderer but I sense despite the fact I big him up here for his unquestioned support. In truth there is something missing these days. Or is that normal when one has been married for 21 years. I am a Leo and although I don't hold much stock in all that, I do use it as an excuse for certain of my behaviours. I am prone to blurting out what is on my mind of late to see if I get a reaction.
ie:- God it must be boring married to me. Wouldn't you prefer a younger model. Shall we do something exciting this weekend or shall I just sleep all day, so that you can read the paper and drink lager without interruption. The stuff that is wrong in our marriage could probably be changed by a shift of priorities on both parts. I think he feels resentful that he works so hard and comes home to a very untidy house to a boring, cripple of a wife who has a tendency to talk crap all evening. He answers mmmm a lot in response plenty of late and last night I tried an experiment. I gave up making conversation, go on guess, OK you probably have already - absolutely no conversation whatsoever.
Sometimes without meaning too I am hypersensitive to criticism (a failing of mine) and I overreact to mild stuff. This leads to an argument, when one has been married for as long as us, even rows can become predictable. Generally over the same things.
Just so you get it. I am not moaning yet by the way I am revealing just a little bit more of myself than normal because not doing so means my blog is becoming very plain. So I am not looking for sympathy just being a little brave on the this is my world thing.
There are lots of articles in magazines (if you are a regular reader you will know I get given them, I come from an era or from parents who would make me feel so guilty if I bought a magazine or frittered any money that because we are not loaded I just can't waste my money on them). anyway lots of articles with zany titles - how to get the pzasss back in your marriage, 10 things you need to know about how to keep a marriage alive...
I like to think I am intelligent and articulate in an argument. I try hard not to just slate the other party for the sake of it. My OH on the other hand goes for the jugular - as soon as he feels he's not being agreed with and there is the slightest hint of a raised voice, he tells me I am stupid, (now I know I am not but it never fails to hurt my feelings) he can just be plain nasty. We argue less these days, about ten years ago we went through a bad patch and we did the whole lets split up thing which lasted about a week and since then arguing happens when I deign to disagree. You see my husband you know the other half that mostly in this blog I refer to as, he that is supportive and perfect isn't really. Who is. Its just I have felt that by saying he isn't is airing my dirty laundry in public. Well to be frank it is isn't it?
What has made me change my mind. Its been bubbling away for a while now. When I say on this blog I think I am becoming boring, I don't say why. When I hint at my mid life crisis, I don't say why. Now suggesting marriage counselling wouldn't work. He is the type of bloke that would move out throw it all away rather than do that. In his mind, marriage counselling is for those to chicken to divorce. The truth is we have fallen into the trap of been married so long we take each other for granted. We rarely socialise. He reads the paper whilst drinking a Stella (s) every evening and at weekends we have to be home by early afternoon for this ritual to carry on. A lot of the time I don't mind. Having EDS means I get tired a lot so having an excuse to do bugger all means I don't have to say - I'm sorry I can't do such an such because of this stupid condition and I'll sleep, watch TV, pretend to knit and currently pretend to teach myself to crotchet.
However, because I am middle aged now my life has become so predictable I feel I could scream and scream and scream and scream. I see 'us' disappearing into a black whole from which I am not sure we can recover. In my daydreams I dream about popping out one day and not coming back for six weeks or so to see if he would miss me. Announce that I need to go find myself (except I have no money) and him understanding.
I know I have a habit of blaming him when the chips are down and I hate myself for this. Expecting someone else to be responsible for your personal happiness is childish. So I think to myself, right what I need to do is make my life more interesting. Perhaps an evening class or day? Then I talk myself out of that. My condition makes making plans quite hard. From previous experience, setting oneself up for a fall is not a good thing for self esteem. This probably sounds like a whole load of feeble excuses but its actually true.
My mother rings with handy hints - oooh I saw this group where everyone talks about literary stuff and such and bla bla - she only wants to help. By way of explanation, my mother was a Headteacher, she held down a full time job, went to at least two evening classes a week, was a supportive wife and mother, did her MA? in comparative education aged 45 travelling to Russia etc, she entertained and gardened and had/has so much f'ing energy it used to wear me out just watching her. Still does in fact. Oh how I wish I hadn't let her know as I said here the other day I was feeling a little low.
So by way of climbing out of my comfort zone, I have no doubt opened a can of worms. But as is always pointed out to me by bloggy friends, there is no obligation to read. You never know, I may soon become like the lovely nechtan who is also in my blog roll who has an amazing talent for spilling out the contents of his intelligent mind with an honesty that I can only admire.
Me I'm still me sitting here blogging only really being brave enough to hint at my life. Good job too as there is a whole lot more going on than even I know in my head. You see to open it up and really go there may bring up answers I don't like. So instead for the moment the next few posts are probably going to be mundane. Just how I like it?
8 comments:
I'm sure others will have wiser words to add, but I can't think of any. I am here reading and holding your virtual hand.
I am seldom a commenter as I believe generally that some things cannot be said in limited wordspace, and one cannot know anothers struggles until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
I dont pretend to know what you go through every day, nor how it affects your relationships. Magazine articles and such mass drivel are spacefillers, they may well have an odd word of wisdom hidden therein, but in the main they are never helpful, in my experience anyway.
I am moved to comment here today because I feel I can add a bit of perspective, even tho the experience isnt my own. I have spent a lifetime watching my parents, 53 years of marriage and they are still together. Its not all been pleasant sailing, I recall a time in my teenage years where my mother went through the same phase you seem to be now, just wanting to turn around and walk away. It was a terrible few months with fights every night, tempers on fraying edges all the time, no discussions at the dinner table, but the resolution came through persistence and love, the love they had (and have) for each other and the love we as children gave our parents. 20 odd years on from that, they still fight every day (when Im there visiting, Im sure they do it for show!) but the one cannot exist without the other anymore and they both know it, so all is well at the end of the day. My dad is not the most expressive of people, and they come from a generation where feelings were never spoken about, but the undercurrent of love is clear.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that its not in the declaration or visibility of love, but in the small day to day things that true love is really found.
I dont have a concrete fix-it-all suggestion for you, but I do think that spending time together just talking would be a wise course of action. It needn't be all about the 'state of the relationship', in fact a discussion about a shared hobby or a recent book would be a fine place to just get the ball rolling again, time together with no external (TV, newspaper etc) interference is what you are after, and the rest will follow in love.
Final word: The relationship is not a competition of you vs every other woman for his affections, your perspective is that his life may be better with someone more 'capable' but he has chosen to be with you, and that says plenty.
Take care :-)
Oh my friend I hear you.
I have this yearning. I was going to write about it on my blog but I wasn't quite brave enough.
I was wondering if it is because I am racing towards menopause that I feel so sad and dissatisfied of late. We have been together for 23 years. The spouse spends all night drinking, smoking and watching crappy tv on the other side of the house in what the Americans would call his den, I am in the lounge room watching the ABC and twittering or reading blogs.
That is our evening. Day in day out. I know he loves me and I love him but I am yearning for something. maybe it is just for someone to find me attractive and to tell me so. So that I dont feel so old? I don't know Sweety. I want something.
You are a braver (and a far more articulate) woman than you give yourself credit for. Talking about these things is so hard. I get what you mean about airing your dirty laundry. It's confronting and raises so many doubts and fears. Saying it out loud makes it 'real' and real sucks. But you need to sometimes if for no other reason than to try and work through your thoughts and emotions. You often say I should get out of your head but I'm going to say it to you today "get out of my head". That disconnect you talk about I know only too well and you can see by other comments that others understand too. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but all I can do is send you my love and hugs and empathy. The medical stuff is the easy part in some ways. The emotional/relational crap is the hard part. It's hard to be part of a couple when you are living in your own personal quagmire. I know I am in no way the woman my husband married but neither is he the same man who said I do. I don't know where we are really. I know he loves me but there is a huge distance and I don't even know how to start to work it out. I just hope we find each other again and I hope the same for you.
Hugs and Luv Michelle
I have so many things I could say but one thing YOU said jumped off the page.... it was this one, "When I say on this blog I think I am becoming boring, I don't say why."
Why do you think you are becoming boring? I think you are very interesting!!!
Let's start with that question and go from there... (with lots of hugs)
I'm all out of wise advice too, so I'm just going to sit on the other side of you to Veronica and hold your other hand BG Xx
Emotionally am feeling better this week and thank you all for each and every one of your comments and hugs. They mean a lot.
I think I feel better to be honest for getting it out of my head onto blog.Have been able to assertive myself verbally better within the household for doing so, which helps, although the family are somewhat astonished at my current rebellion.
Aside from that have had the wonderful distraction of a pinched nerve in thoracic spine causing electric pain and the most incredible spasms everywhere!
God bless EDS eh...
I came back to say another reason not to go private is why keep us from learning from each other?
Oh- this reminds me. I had a client with EDS once. Never had another client with that disability again. Anyway, after he was placed in his first job he told me he didn't get along with his father. (I think he was around 34) I asked him why...and he said his father was too messy for his disability.
I joked back something like well you are too flexible (i.e., 'bendy') with your dad and he glared at me for a good five seconds then said... you are right. I'm changing up things!
When I did his 6 week report he told me he long longer feared the coffeetable. LOL. I just remembered.
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