This week I have felt odd inside my head. Too many negative thoughts for my liking. I am not normally prone to deep contemplation perhaps the planets are doing something or other. I feel the need for change, to break free, how I know not how. Perhaps this is a mid life crisis. Or perhaps I deliberately do not let my mind wander like this lest I become a disgruntled middle aged woman. I want to talk to other half about where our lives our going and what our future holds but am not sure i want the conversation as i feel I know how it will go. My guess is our future is predictable.
Possibly I am bored, because of the EDS and all the other stuff that goes with it I feel backed into a corner. I wonder as I look back what I have actually achieved and look forward and can see that possibly I kid myself a lot. Actually I feel as though I have become a bore, the EDS bores me, all of it... Osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, post herpatic neuraliga of trimegal nerve (sp). I can't think of a way to climb out of it all. Each year I promise myself that perhaps I will go to college, do an open university course but I don't and am not sure why. Actually I do, being in pain 24/7 means I find life a bit of a struggle in reality and its actually pretty exhausting. Having the time for my kids who both still live at home, even though they are grown (17 & 19) and all that jazz is about as much as I can do most of the time. But I know in the next five years or so or sooner they will leave home and I will be here still. Some would say I lack motivation they can say what they like frankly, living with EDS is tough sometimes and at the minute its tough.
I listened to a radio programme yesterday where severely disabled people go sailing competitive sailing and once person who is paralysed and uses only their tongue - sails competitively. I think this is another thing that made me feel like a pile of crap. I felt guilty, lazy and again sorry for myself. Why can't I just get over myself....
I have been married 20 years and was chatting away earlier on to husband who was in reality reading the paper. He was tired as had been working all day and he wasn't listening he has developed the knack of making appropriate noises at correct intervals to give the impression that he is. I started to actually say out loud - god am I boring you rigid, I bet after all these years you must look at me and think for ****ks sake shut up. He didn't obviously because he was doing that 'knack' think mmmmmmmmmm......
I am aware that I am feeling sorry for myself and for some reason I am indulging this for once. It means I have to think about stuff and to be honest right now I feel a bit resentful. At times like this other half should watch out, he should know by now that when I wear black leggings and biker boots all is not well. But I wonder whether he would notice frankly if I came in stark naked. Now don't get all worried and think oh god there's a divorce on the cards, I am in love with my husband and I think he still with me. But being married for a long time can mean that sometimes things get stale, perhaps its time I got my hair cut.
6 comments:
I like that you end with 'perhaps it's time I got my hair cut.'
That's always my answer to boredom.
I know how you feel. I feel like I ought to be doing ... more? somehow? But just getting through the days is all I've got energy for.
Veronica - 'just getting through the day is all I've got energy for'
Thats it exactly - on the button!
hi achelois
i seem to plan things in my head, but cant carry them through. i havent the energy, i have the ideas though! dont give up on having ideas for the future. things may well change, new treatments etc.
oh and dont be tempted to take the scissors to your hair, like i did last week. i cut myself a fringe out of boredom. arrrrrrr, although im getting used to it now.
x
People don't realise that being in pain all your waking hours can be as exhausting as having a 12 hour shift of heavy labour.
You should see the pile of dishes I've got at home, and the pile of laundry, and the pile of "stuff that needs doing" that I will get to EVENTUALLY, but I don't have the energy to do anything after going to work all day.
And weekends are for sleeping.
Please let us know how the hair cut goes! Maybe you should dye it bright pink too! ;)
I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. It amazes me that you (and Veronica and others with EDS or other chronic illnesses) carry on as you do. I think you're incredibly strong. I'd have given up and taken to my chair long ago.
Wow - I get so distracted reading the blogs in my reader I forget about my own. Thank you for the comments they mean a lot to me.
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